October 12, 2009

Looking Back!

Before computers, I always maintained a Journal. I came across the Journal I had put away after I said my goodbye to my deceased husband.

In those days, I was writing to him personally on a daily basis and not just the events of the day like a teenager would write in her “Dear Diary”. The Bereavement Group I was a member of suggested to do this as a form of therapy to help survive the bereavement process. A lot has changed since 2001.

On one page, I wrote: “Outside the weather is still hot here in South Florida but inside the bills are higher and listening to the News every night on TV, it seems like all around us the world is getting crazier! Scary!” The cost of living is so much higher and more difficult to handle everyday maintenance and household bills.

“I’ve made some changes in the house too…..a few needed repairs, some of which I attempted to do myself to save the cost of labor. The shower head no longer leaks. The noisy toilet is also fixed. It is not easy without you.” Decided to take up some Work Shop Lessons in Home Depot. Well, my friend, Laurie and I only went to one workshop so far! LOL

I have had three dates since you passed away 8 years ago. By choice, I prefer to no longer accept a date. No one can shine your shoes. Yet, I won’t lie, it is very lonely in the evenings with the clicker in your hand. Yes, I’m on the computer more these days than ever.

Ballroom DancingI miss ballroom dancing. I miss laughing so hard until my stomach hurts with your quick wit and sense of humor.

I enjoy the company of my girlfriends which many are also Widows! Becoming uncoupled and the interdependence suddenly appear as individual flaws. From the beginning, we Widows and Widowers share the same emotional crisis. We equally are bereft, confused, lost and brokenhearted. It seems that…………..that part does not change, as much as we try to create a new life for ourselves. Being older has a lot to do with it I’m sure. Oh my, I received my “Medicare” card in the mail and I was delighted to see it. Thought I’d never say those words! The cost of medical coverage is outrageous! I still miss my family in New England!

Bad HabitI stopped smoking and gained some weight! The smoking part, I know would make you happy as we both attempted to quit that disgusting bad habit countless times in the past……gaining weight, I know would disappoint you, as you always noticed if I put on so much as one pound! LOL

Time to put the handwritten Journal away again in the big “Time Capsule”. I seemed to have grown a long way since then but I still miss you!
www Oh, the tangled web we weave here on the World Wide Web! How wonderful it is to have my Internet Friends to listen when I’m worried, cheer me up when I’m down, encourage me when I’m scared and console me when I’m defeated and to keep me company in the middle of the night when I can't sleep. Thank you!

Internet Friends


  1. aww so sad. I also used to write regular handwritten journals and I have them still.

  2. Thanks for this post,Oh how I can relate.

  3. I could have written alot of the same things. I too kept a journal and alot of times I was just plain mad. Mad at my DDH for leaving me in this mess and mad because I had to do things I never wanted to. It took awhile and that part changed to just missing him. I don't know that we are ever supposed to stop. At this point in my life I'm just so thankful I did have him as part of my life and take it day by day. It's the only way I can handle it all.

  4. It's interesting to look back at journals, isn't it? Sometimes in a good way, sometimes in a bad way.

    Life and love might sneak up on you and catch you unawares. You're obviously such a lovely woman, both on the outside and the inside, and there may come a day when someone catches your eye. Hugs, Beth

  5. Rose what a beautiful entry. Tonight my Sherry and I are separate, she is at a reunion. This is so seldom, we are normally with each other 24/7. Folks like you just cause us to love each other more. We now can talk about the fact that one of us will be left. We know it, but do not dwell on it. WE both love you entries!

    Jack, Sherry will be here later.

  6. Rose, I still keep a journal in a random way. I have no one to wirte to as you did. So I write to myself. Because it's random I often come across something I wrote years ago.

    I think it's so good to keep those hand written journals. Our Internet journals are so vulnerable. Besides your journal was not only therapy but the bread and wine of a good relationship, to be broken open and sipped every now and then.


  7. This is so sweet yet so poignant. I have never kept a journal but see so many people doing so. To read what you wrote so many years ago is fascinating and a connection that I am sure warms the heart...even if it is sad too. We're here for you...it is so hard to pick up the pieces but I see your smile coming through!

  8. I can not even begin to imagine what you have gone through. Hope you can find a way to let someone in again.

  9. Hi Rose,
    I always enjoy reading your blog, but this one made me sad. Perhaps because I can really relate to it. Nothing will replace our loss. But it saddened me that you mentioned that you will no longer accept dates.

    Although I agree with you (no one will 'shine' above what we had), I do enjoy the company of men (not sleep with them..hahaha) , I like to go out, and I do like being busy. But I understand completely and respect how you feel.

    I saw a VERY sad movie over the weekend : "The Boys are Back"-- a true story about a man whose wife died and he ended up raising his 2 boys. I cried my eyes out because, well, basically, that was my story, too. But it does end on a positive note, as I hope my story does, too. Maybe you'll see the movie---let me know.

    Meanwhile, let's try to make plans to meet!


  10. lovely entry rose.one of your best.and saddest.in my thoughts,love mort xxx

  11. Somewhat sad dear friend, but more encouraging and inspiring than anything. I think it's human nature to adapt to continue our lives in one form or another.

    I know a mere three years of journaling has brought me so far. I look back at my writing and see it's led to a book. I'm not the same fearful dependent woman I used to be with my deafness.

    I'm delighted to chose share this with us. Your in my thoughts hon! (Hugs)Indigo

  12. Sometimes, even the slightest hint of sunshine draws one out of the darkness. Yet, sometimes the darkness is a good place to escape to and reflect.

    Excellent entry, my love.


  13. Hi Rose,
    Thank you for sharing that with us :) I am sure your hand written journal was therapeutic for you in the early days of your loss of your dear husband. I am so glad you now have your new online friends to help when you feel down :) I am so sure he would be so proud of you Rose for quitting smoking who cares about the pounds. Your journal looks very nice by the way. We are shivering up here in MA I hope the weather is beautiful in FL.

  14. Rose, such a lovely tribute....Have a wonderful weekend, xv.